thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You are the jesus of drinking
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
