Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
