I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
