Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
