remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize