dude i'm inner monologue high
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
