the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
