I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
