can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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