I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
