Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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