getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
