The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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