Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize