I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
how drunk are you?
Several
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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