Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
