you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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