I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude i'm inner monologue high
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
