rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
