morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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