my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
