It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
