You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
