enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
