oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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