you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
