You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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