I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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