you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
