he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
false alarm. still invincible.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize