I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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