best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
