This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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