I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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