I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
