So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
