I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
