The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
