I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize