My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
