OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
