My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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