Apparently you make a good broom.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
