if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
