He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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