WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
