why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
