I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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