kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
