This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
