Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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