My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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