Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
