nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize