just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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