Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Found your dick twin last night
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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