I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize